The summer book series on Get Rich Slowly reaches its grand finale with a masterclass in relational finance. This week’s feature focuses on Cashing Out: Win the Wealth Game by Walking Away, the insightful guide penned by Julien and Kiersten Saunders, the powerhouse duo behind the widely acclaimed blog and YouTube channel, rich & REGULAR.
In a world where financial literacy is often reduced to spreadsheets and interest rates, the Saunders take a refreshing departure, arguing that the most critical element of wealth building isn’t the math—it’s the relationship. By bridging the gap between clinical psychology and personal finance, Cashing Out offers a roadmap for couples to stop viewing money as a source of friction and start viewing it as a vehicle for shared goals.
The Dance of Conflict: Shifting the Paradigm
The core thesis of the Saunders’ approach is rooted in the work of Dr. Sue Johnson, a preeminent clinical psychologist and the architect of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Dr. Johnson posits that when couples engage in conflict—regardless of the subject matter—they are participating in a cyclical "dance." One partner initiates a movement, and the other responds in kind. The problem, according to this framework, is not the individual, nor is it the topic of debate; it is the dance itself.
To improve the rhythm of your financial life, you must achieve what Dr. Johnson calls "emotional attunement." Think of the conflict as the dance and your emotions as the music. Financial disharmony often stems from a fundamental disconnect: one partner may be dancing to the soulful rhythm of Barry White, while the other is swinging to the pop sensibilities of Barry Manilow. Without alignment, you are effectively in a "silent disco"—moving in the same room but completely out of sync with your partner’s internal soundtrack.
Chronology of a Financial Breakdown
The Saunders observe that most couples arrive at their doorstep only after years of "silent disco" interactions. They often describe a predictable sequence of events that leads to a crisis point:
- The Accumulation of Unspoken Tension: Partners avoid direct conversations about money to keep the peace. This leads to a build-up of resentment and anxiety.
- The Breaking Point: A specific incident—a large purchase, a missed bill, or the discovery of debt—forces the issue into the light.
- The "Expert" Intervention: Feeling incapable of communicating, couples seek external help. The Saunders often hear, "You explain it to them, they won’t listen to me," drawing a parallel to frustrated pet owners seeking help for a dog that refuses to be house-trained.
- The Labeling Phase: Couples begin categorizing each other as the "saver" (the responsible hero) and the "spender" (the irresponsible villain). This binary classification is where the dance becomes destructive.
Challenging the "Saver vs. Spender" Myth
One of the most profound takeaways from Cashing Out is the demolition of the "saver vs. spender" dichotomy. The authors argue that this framework is a false narrative that creates villains where none exist.
In reality, the distinction between a saver and a spender is not moral—it is temporal. A spender is simply someone prioritizing gratification in the present, while a saver is prioritizing gratification in the future. If a couple saves $20,000 in a year to purchase a car in cash, they occupy both roles within a single lifecycle.
The Saunders suggest a fundamental shift in vocabulary: move from "good vs. bad" to "now vs. later." By stripping away the judgment, you invite curiosity into the conversation. Every purchase is an attempt to satisfy a specific emotional need—be it security, spontaneity, or simple pleasure. Once you acknowledge that your partner’s spending is an attempt to "feel something," you can begin to collaborate on finding creative ways to meet those needs without jeopardizing your long-term stability.
The Perils of Nagging and the Power of Future-Focus
Persistent, critical feedback—or "nagging"—is identified as the primary catalyst for defensive posturing in relationships. The authors compare excessive financial surveillance to the tactics of a totalitarian regime. When one partner constantly monitors the other’s spending, the conversation ceases to be about money and becomes a struggle for autonomy and respect.
To escape this "conversational quicksand," the Saunders recommend "reframing." Instead of criticizing current spending habits, redirect the energy toward future objectives.
Practical Application:
Instead of the accusatory, "Why are you buying Starbucks again?", try an "I" statement that highlights shared excitement: "I’m really looking forward to our trip to Europe in November. I’ve decided to cut back on dining out to save for our excursion costs. Would you be willing to skip the morning coffee run to help us reach our goal faster?"
By focusing on the "drug" of anticipation, you replace willpower with optimism. The authors share their personal experience of preparing for travel by cooking regional cuisine and researching their destination at home. This turns the process of saving into an immersive, shared adventure rather than a chore.
Addressing the Debt Stigma
Debt remains the most sensitive friction point for many couples. The disparity in debt levels often leads to a toxic mixture of shame and obligation. The indebted partner may feel like a "bad person," while the debt-free partner may feel like a victim of another’s poor choices.
For the Saunders, the turning point was the realization that their debt-payoff journey was a team sport. They had to discard the shame-based, moralistic advice often found in mainstream finance and replace it with a pragmatic, flexible plan. Whether you choose to tackle debt jointly or maintain separate financial responsibilities for pre-existing obligations, the key is coordination. Success is a shared victory, and failure is a shared lesson.
The "Tell Me More" Protocol
The most effective tool offered in Cashing Out is the simple phrase: "Tell me more."
This phrase serves as a non-judgmental invitation for your partner to expand on their perspective. It acts as the antithesis of the "record scratch"—the sudden, harsh criticism that ruins the flow of a conversation. By saying "tell me more," you signal to your partner that you are a listener, not a judge.
However, the authors include a crucial caveat: this technique is not a magic wand. In moments of high emotional volatility, when trust has been severely compromised or tempers are flaring, forcing a conversation can be counterproductive. In these "hotbed" moments, the Saunders advise patience. "Preserving the dance floor" for a time when both partners are calm is often the wisest strategic move.
Implications for Modern Relationships
The implications of the Saunders’ work are clear: financial health is a prerequisite for a thriving relationship, but emotional health is the prerequisite for a thriving financial life.
By integrating the principles of emotional attunement, couples can:
- Reduce Relationship Stress: By removing the "good vs. bad" labels, the emotional temperature of money talks drops significantly.
- Increase Financial Discipline: Future-focused planning creates a positive feedback loop that makes saving feel like a gain rather than a loss.
- Strengthen Partnership: The process of reconciling different financial personalities fosters a deeper, more resilient connection.
As the Get Rich Slowly summer of books comes to a close, the lesson from Cashing Out is definitive: The best way to win the wealth game is to stop playing against your partner and start dancing with them.
Excerpted from Cashing Out: Win the Wealth Game by Walking Away by Julien and Kiersten Saunders. Copyright © 2022 by Rich & Regular LLC. Published by Portfolio/Penguin. Used with permission.
